It’s just all so difference, a sudden end, Though I’m glad through out the 1 year and 4month i didn’t become dependent what so ever, I love him like you would love anyone else with no drama, I just gave him my heart as it purely was. I will always love him because of the way i decided to love, I just want him happy, even if that means I’m not in his life. Hate will just make me grow cold and depressed, I don’t hate him for what he did, what he did was completely up to him, It’s his life, he gets to pick his own path.
But everything that was said and done is burnt into my memories, as great as it was, we had nothing to fix, we had nothing to fight for. Though it’s disappointing that i gave my all and i was just left alone in the shadows like i was nothing. I considered him worth fighting for, but this isn’t my fight to start. He isn’t fighting for me because he knows i know how he feels about her now and he knows that he doesn’t deserve me for what he did, though even if those are the reasons, it still feels like it’s because he doesn’t care, lost all what ever love he had for me, I’m not worth it, she was always better. When ever he said sorry it went right past me, what is he sorry about, sorry about leaving me behind letting me be in the shadows without him being able to say a word because he doesn’t know what to say so he rather say nothing at all while i grieve over the dead silence? Is he sorry for that or is he just sorry for pulling a jerk move, big whoop he pulled a huge dick move, why be sorry over being a jerk face.
It seems like the longer it is not acknowledging his existence the more the pain consumes my heart, the only thing we are doing is playing draw something, not talking what so ever, just taking turns in a drawing game… Lame it really is, but that’s all we are left at to hold on to what little there is. I don’t have the balls to say anything and clearly he doesn’t either. I know what once is never will be again, but why take someone that you cared so much about out of your life, unless he rather have me not care, but how is that even possible, that’s like asking cheese to stop being so cheesy O-O how da fawk… Any how it’s all still so fresh, if we were talking it would make things complicated to get over and to accept what is done and how it is.
Sometimes I don’t even know what to think, I’d be in my bed crying, not even knowing why I’m crying, just the thought of him? Why start crying about not having him, I have myself, i have my friends :) a lot of people care and show it, I’m even more close to my closest friend that i ever was with him. I felt close to him because of the amount i cared, but we weren't open enough at all, maybe if so we would have argued and got things fixed before they just came to a dead end with nothing being able to fix it. Even after writing this I’m still probably going to have those moments where i feel as nothing and worthless because of that one person. I’m still unsure how to get over something like this, I accepted the truth… I guess it’s just knowing i won’t be in his arms ever again :\ and wishing maybe that part wasn’t true because of how familiar it is, but there is nothing that could be done about it, we can’t pretend this didn’t happen, I can’t pretend he doesn’t love her more than he ever will love me. damn heart wanting to be selfish, no bad heart, you can’t get what you want, just like everything else. It’s heartbreaking, but I don’t want my heart to break, why shatter in a million of pieces because you miss something that was so dear, It’s just suffering over the past, something that once was, it’s not like I’m not going to move on with life, I know there will be better things to look forward to, my friends are right beside me as well.
So I’ll do my best to keep my head up high with a smile on my face. ♥
